Newest Blog Post

March 31, 2025 12:14 PM

-- An Empty Seat Beside You by Ghostdog --

Reflecting on the last year - transitioning and otherwise

I feel like this is an unfortunately common occurrence for trans folks who've been in long term relationships, especially for those of us who came out later in life. Each of our stories may be unique, but ultimately, we all decide to move on from a previous relationship, even if that relationship is in a relatively good place.

For nearly 11 years, my spouse has been my best friend, my person - and I thought that's all there was. I met her, I married her, we bought a house and that was going to be the rest of my life. Then I transitioned - which obviously causes us to question our entire life. "Is this really what I want? Am I really the person who picked this? Would I pick it again today if I was starting over?" It can lead to a lot of dangerous feelings of regret or of missing out on a lot of things during young-adulthood.

And, I think a lot of us (especially early into transitioning) seek out others like us. We feel alone, isolated, misunderstood, confused, and we just want someone like ourselves to connect with - even more so for those of us who live in places where other trans folks are hard to find. So we find someone like us - and it often creates an immediate feeling of attraction. "She's just like me. She understands literally all of it. I can tell her anything because she'll get it." These things lead to increased vulnerability and that leads to more intense feelings. Eventually, we can give into those things and, when added into the questions about what I want in life, things start to get really messy. Some of us explore this through polyamory, others like myself just lean all the way into that new person and selfishly shrug off our existing partner.

I met somebody just over a year ago and she changed my life. I could connect with her on anything, trans-related or otherwise. She taught me how to be vulnerable, how to be confident in myself, and what love can really feel like. She made me feel like nobody has before - equal. With her, the dysphoria was gone entirely, I didn't feel different, and I didn't feel the need to fill any roles that existed within my marriage. In fact, being with her made me want to do things that would have otherwise made me dysphoric if I did them in my marriage. I wanted to hold her, to take care of her, to protect her as much as possible. Things just felt different - I felt different and all of it showed me the person I've always wanted to grow into. And all of these feelings led to me having an emotional affair with this person.

My spouse knew a lot of this was going on, for a long time too. We'd talk about it, but I wouldn't do much to fix it. Frankly, I was a giant bitch about it all. In late January, I said I wanted a divorce. It's been 2 months and I still haven't taken the first step to getting that started - leaving. No matter how much I feel I don't want a romantic relationship with my spouse, the idea of leaving my best friend is incredibly painful. I've already caused her so much hurt over the last year and getting a divorce will only upend her life even more. But I know I can't give her the kind of relationship that she wants and I'm disappointed in myself for it.

I'm even more frustrated with myself for saying goodbye to the other person a month ago. All of this mess hurt her as well. And throughout all of this, I'm going to lose both of them. A divorce leaves room for a friendship to still exist with my spouse. But I want that other person back in my life so badly - I miss her like hell. But having her back would likely close the door on a friendship with my spouse and all of it is eating me from the inside out. I know I need to separate from my spouse - I don't want the romantic part of the relationship (and I feel awful for thinking that way). The subsequent choice of asking for the other person to be back in my life is a whole other problem that I have no idea how to figure out. How do I possibly compare or choose between the person who made me feel so free, special, and equal...and my best friend of nearly 11 years? I know what I want, I just don't like the consequences that it brings. I just need to be brave and kind. Then I can rebuild my life the way I want to.

Takeaways:

1. Transitioning is hell. It's going to change your life drastically. I'm not saying this to scare you. Nothing says that your experience will be exactly like mine. My mess is caused by my choices and actions, not transitioning. Just be prepared to question everything about your life as you move through this. And please treat both others and yourself with kindness.
2. Don't have an affair. Emotional or otherwise. Whether or not you realize that what's you're doing, it's going to hurt everyone involved. If you ultimately want to be with someone else, be brave and kind enough to end your existing relationship. They don't deserve the pain of the dishonesty. If you're looking for that trans connection and you meet someone, check yourself along the way to make sure you're aware of what's happening or it will quickly get out of control.